Shawnda Muir
May 26, 2022

Dear Friends,

It’s not uncommon for married couples to drift apart and experience loneliness, particularly after having children. Maybe there’s a lack of emotional intimacy or shared activities. Either way, you’re not spending much time together anymore, and you’re starting to feel like you’re only staying in the marriage for the kids.

Humans crave intimacy and connection. During the newlywed years, we tend to have an abundance of this intimacy and closeness. But when life’s obligations begin taking over, it can start to feel like we’re drifting away from each other. We might expect to maintain the same level of closeness during seasons of parenting.

But the truth is, life can take its toll, and couples can find themselves feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. So if you’re staying married for the kids, is that enough for now? Is it even possible to restore your relationship to its former intimacy–or better?

We (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott) have good news: it’s possible. Let’s talk about how to start guiding your marriage back toward intimacy. 

CONSIDER THE REASONS WHY YOU’VE DRIFTED APART

Take time to reflect on how you reached your current dynamic. What might have factored into the two of you drifting apart? Are there steps you could each take to correct what has happened and reestablish intimacy again?

Sometimes, couples drift apart simply because they’re busy and overcommitted to multiple obligations. Other times, the problem is more serious, like resentment or contempt that has festered due to unmet expectations. Whatever the case, get clear on the reasons–and have a conversation about it, if possible.

WORK TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER’S POINT OF VIEW

Empathy can go a long way when a relationship has fallen on hard times. Depending on the circumstances, the two of you might benefit from taking a walk in each other’s shoes. If your relationship dynamic is painful or difficult to navigate, you might benefit from working with a licensed counselor to communicate. (This is also true when you’re discussing the state of your relationship, in general.)

Either way, if at all possible, it’s important to understand what has happened not only from your perspective, but from your spouse’s. When you both feel seen and heard, it might be easier to soften toward one another and start working toward a constructive solution.

MAKE MORE TIME FOR ONE ANOTHER

If you’ve been lonely and disconnected, spending more quality time together could help to ease those feelings. Decide on a shared activity you’d like to engage in together, then make time for that. In our experience, we’ve observed that men often connect well through shared activity, which boosts their emotional connection with their wives. Sharing activities that you both enjoy should be a win-win.

GIVE IT TIME

Finally, be patient and give your marriage time to heal. With patience, nurturing, understanding, and love, you’ll be far more likely to shift your relationship in a positive direction. It’s possible to regain hope and intimacy, and to desire staying in the marriage for one another–not just your kids.

If you’re struggling to find the time to reconnect, we suggest taking a look at our book, Your Time-Starved Marriage. It’s a guide that will help you work together to carve out more one-on-one time in the midst of a busy season. Get your copy here.

****************

We hope you enjoyed this blog. Click here to go to MMOC's marriage website pages for previous posts and other info. 

Contact our MFL team for marriage support anytime. 

God Bless,

Your Marriage, Family and Life Team